Don't Know
by eternalpessimist
Summary: **Dead Man On Campus** Cooper is in love with Josh, and what if Josh finds out Cooper loves him? Does Josh love Cooper back?
1. 1

"Trouble in Paradise?" Cooper asked as Josh slammed the door of their room closed. Josh says nothing but stalks to his side of the room and starts rummaging through a drawer. Cooper, sighing, sits up and watches Josh. "What are you looking for?"

"A pen."  
"Why?"

But Josh ignores Cooper so Cooper continues talking, lazily throwing something from one hand to the other. "So, you and Rachel are fighting again? Jeez, for a couple you guys sure don't get along well."

This, as Cooper very well knew, would send Josh over the edge. "I already told you Cooper, Rachel and I broke up a few months ago."

"You know what's amazing Josh? Even when you're mad you manage to talk with perfect grammar."

Josh slams the drawer angrily and turns to Cooper, his mouth open to say something, then he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Can I please borrow that pen?"

Cooper looks down at his hands with his mouth open innocently. "Sure Josh." And he tosses him the pen.

Josh starts the write something on a paper. "So . . . what was this fight about?"

"Rachel thinks that when we were together I was cheating on her." Josh told him in a preoccupied voice.

"That's crazy. You'd never do something like that." Cooper said. He had found something else and was now tossing it hand to hand.

After awhile Josh turned to look at him with a half grin on his face. Cooper stopped tossing the item and looked at Josh.

"I know. But, I guess she doesn't know me that well. Which was one of the reasons why we broke up. That's my award, here's your pen." Josh said, quickly traded items with Cooper and hurrying to the door. "I'll be back later."

"One of the reasons?" Cooper called after him, but the door was already shut. 

Cooper put on his glasses and examined the pen, then got up and put it with the rest of Josh's stuff, swinging to the mini-fridge and grabbing a beer on his way back. After taking a long drink he put the beer to the side, reached under his mattress for something, and grabbed a pen from the pocket of his shirt. He laughed to himself at the guys' reacting if they knew that the party animal Cooper kept a journal. Of course, he hadn't until that night on the bridge, but that was beyond the point. Cooper opens the spiral and continues writing where he had left off when he heard Josh and Rachel fighting in the hallway.

He can be so blind. Through all his knowledge and studying, he still can't see what's right there, you'd think he'd get glasses or something. Not that I can blame him. Maybe I should take Hank's advice and major in acting next year. Somehow, I don't think Flushels would go for that one. But still, for all Josh knows I'm still that laid back slacker I was at the beginning of the year. He doesn't realize that I only go to my classes so that my caring father won't have an excuse to keep me from going to Daleman.

Who am I trying to lie to now? I know that the only reason that I go to my classes is to keep my mind and body away from Josh. He came in, all upset from a fight with Rachel, even though he says they broke up months ago, and all I wanted to do was grab him and pull him onto my bed and ravish him before he knows what's happening. Because I know that if he even knew for a minute how I feel about him, he'll somehow stammer his way through a response, letting me down gently, or trying to. Meanwhile he'd be slowly making his way to the door to run down to the housing department and switch rooms with someone. Then there'd be no reason for me to waste my time in classes, no reason for me not to pack it up and run to Flushels for my life sentencing.

I suppose I should be satisfied with what I get now. He's my best friend, the first real friend I've ever had. I share a room with him, which makes it unbelievably easy to just stay up after he's asleep and watch him. That even sounds creepy to me, but I can't help it, it feels so good just to look at him, that I couldn't stop myself if I tried, but why try? Not like I'll ever be stupid enough to act on it. 

Then there's the moments of torture, when I walk into the room in just a towel, and he looks at me like-- the way I look at him all the time, and I somehow convince myself that he feels that same way about me as I do for him. Then he'll cough and start blushing, and all I can do is laugh and grab some clothes and go back to the bathroom, which is for my own good too, to leave before he sees the affect he has on me. 

So, I'll stay Josh's friend for another three years, then we'll graduate, and only visit each other once a year. He'll marry some beautiful woman, have four kids, be the boss of a successful firm, and maybe he'll invite me to visit during Christmas, since he knows that I don't get along with my parents, and I won't have any lasting relationships, though, he'll probably say that is due to my fear of commitment. Yeah, right, if I thought it would work between us, if he would let it, I'd stay with him everyday for the rest of my life. I know I could never make myself have sex with another man again, not when the only one I can think about is Josh. This is what I'm doomed to, this is what I deserve, for being such a fuck up.

Cooper was so preoccupied with what he was writing, he didn't notice when the door opened and closed.

"Cooper, what are you doing?"

Cooper frowned at the letters he had written, as though seeing them for the first time. He could have sworn he had meant to only whine about a stupid essay he had to write. He looked up, expecting his doom, but when he looked up it wasn't Josh who had interrupted him. "Hey Pickle, what's up?"

"Is that-" Pickle moved closer to Cooper, "oh my god Cooper, is that a journal?"  
Cooper laughed and closed the notebook lazily. "Come on Pickle, do I look like the type of person to keep a journal?" Rule one when a friend catches you doing something you don't want them to know about and you don't want to lie - never over-explain, and state the obvious as a question.  
"Well, what is it then?"

"My own pathetic attempt at a stupid assignment from an anti-social professor."

"Oh, ok." Pickle looked around. "Hey, where's Josh?"

Cooper laid back on his bed. "I don't know. So, what can I do for you, Pickle?"

"I was gonna go into town and buy some more margarita mix, I'm almost out, and I was wondering if you guys wanted to come, but since Josh isn't here I guess it would just be you and me. Wanna come?"

Cooper got up. "Sure. Why not?"

On the way to the liquor store that Pickle just _had_ to go to, since it was the only one with the right kind of mix, Pickle and Cooper stopped to get some coffee. 

"Hey, Cooper, isn't that Josh? " Pickle asked, pulling Coopers attention away from his drink.

He looked across the street where Pickle was pointing and sure enough there was Josh sitting with Rachel, both of Rachel looking at a piece of paper and Josh was looking very uncomfortable. Then she said something and he laughed. "Sure is. And he said they broke up months ago."

"They did." Pickle said, giving Cooper a knowing look. The guys still believed the rumours going around about Josh and Cooper being a couple, and Cooper just wished they would get over it, considering how close to the truth they were.

"Really? Hmm. They look like they're on a date to me."

"No, they really did, Rachel was seeing this guy when they were together and she said that Josh could never love her like the other guy does."

"Oh, really, does this other guy have a name?"

"I don't know, he doesn't go to Daleman, but, there he is." Even as Pickle was talking, a guy came over and hugged Rachel from behind and gave her a kiss. Cooper waited for Josh to get mad and stalk off, but he just shook the guy's hand and smiled. The smile actually looked sincere. "Let's go say hi?"

"Sure Pickle, that'll be fun," Cooper said under his breath as he followed Pickle. 

"Hi Josh, Rachel." Pickle said when they got to the table.

"Hi Pickle. Hey Cooper."

Cooper smiled and nodded his head.

"What are you guys doing here?" Josh asked.

"Just restocking some supplies, we saw you over here and decided to say hello."  
"What are you guys doing here?" Cooper asked, looking at Josh.

"Nothing much. I was just about to leave anyway, mind if I join you guys?"

"Not at all. The more the merrier." Cooper grinned. 

Josh stood up. "See you later Rachel, oh, and it was nice meeting you Ned." 

"So really, were we really interrupting anything?" Pickle asked when they were farther down the street.

"No, Rachel just wanted me to meet her boyfriend." Josh said, casting a look at Cooper.

Cooper draped an arm around Josh's shoulder and leaned towards him. "Sorry I didn't believe you. So, are you jealous of Ned?"

"No, Rachel and I are just friends." Josh said as he unconsciously leaned into Cooper. Cooper smiled.

"What kind of name is Ned anyway? I mean, I would chose a Josh over a Ned without a second thought."

Josh laughed. "While that is very reassuring, Coop, I am in no way upset about it, so you don't have to try to cheer me up."

Cooper backed away from Josh. "Fine, I won't then. Hey, you guys want to have a party tonight?" 

"It's amazing how quickly Cooper can talk you guys into having a party." Hank said to Josh. Their room was full of more people than you'd think possible, but it wasn't overcrowded, and everyone was having a good time, Cooper was entertaining a group of people across the room with his new showcase bong and some of Zeke's best, the last time Josh checked.

"Yeah, well, Cooper can talk anyone into basically anything."

"How are things with you two?" Hank said.

"What do you mean?" Josh frowned.

"I'm not trying to pry or anything, but I was just wondering." While Hank was talking he somehow managed to trap Josh in a corner in the room.

"I don't -"

"Hey, the guys and I aren't stupid Josh, we know you and Cooper are together."

"What are you talking about? Me and Cooper are friends, that's all. We were never together and we never will be, and come on, do you really think Cooper's gay?"

"I don't know man, but he's really into you, and I know you're into him, so you can just get over this excuse of being 'just friends' I'm your friend, Josh, you shouldn't lie to me." Hank said quietly.

"Listen, I'm not lying, there is nothing between Cooper and me, nothing like that. It's sick, and if I even thought that he -" Josh said venomously.

"Ok man, whatever. Hey, it's a party, have some fun."

Josh walked off, shaking his head, he had no idea that the rumours were still going around, but that would explain why Rachel is acting so weird. 

Cooper had claimed a spot at the bar table for himself, and was currently taking all drinks within his reach. 

"Cooper, take it easy. This is your party too, you know."  
"Yes, and after careful deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that, if, but, hopefully when I pass out I won't have to be dragged anywhere, cause I'll already be in my room." Cooper looked at Pickle and laughed. He grabbed the margarita in Pickles hand away from him and guzzled it. 

"Ok Cooper, come on, come with me." Pickle helped Cooper up and half carried him in the direction of his room. 

"Where are we going?"

"You're just going to sit here and talk to me for a second, ok?" Pickle said slowly as he sat Cooper on the bed and closed the door to his room.

Cooper laughed and laid down on the bed. "So, Pickle, are you Mr. Fix It then?"

"Whatever Cooper, you want to tell me why you were drowning yourself in a bottle of gin, when you were so happy earlier, at your own party?"  
"You know what, Pickle? I'm not too sure. Hey, you know me pretty well, why don't you tell me why?"  
"I'd say that it probably had something to do with Josh."

"Bingo!" Cooper started laughing. "On the first guess too. Amazing."

"What happened?"  
"Nothing, we're friends,"

"Bullshit Josh what's going on?"

"Ok Pickle, since you're being so nice to me, and you asked, I think I'll tell you a little story, and hey, I'm really drunk, so I suppose that that kind of helps a bit, anyway, on with the story. Ok, once there was this boy named Cooper, who grew up knowing that there was no future for him besides the one that the evil King Flushels planned out for him. But, one day, he met this wonderful Prince, with a beautiful name, Josh. He and Josh melded well together, and soon were inseparable, they had become the best of friends. Josh and Cooper went on many adventures together, and rubbed off on each other. They schemed together and put up with each other through everything. After one particularly big scheme, one in which Cooper almost lost his wonderful Prince. Well, Cooper realized something then, he had fallen in love with the Prince, which he thought seemed appropriate, since he could never feel for anyone, be with anyone, the way he was when he was with his Prince. After he discovered this, he knew he could never go back to who he was before, and he hoped, beyond hope, that his prince would never find out, or that maybe, his Prince would feel the same way. 

"So, sometime after the last big scheme, he got his Prince and their very best friend to throw a party. Cooper thought that the party would be fun, but, once again, he was terribly wrong. During the party, the evil King Flushels decided to ruin Cooper's life fun even more. The boy then overheard his prince talking to someone. It wasn't a good talk. His Prince said mean and hurtful things, but he didn't know that Cooper had heard him. His Prince was repulsed at the simple ides that they were more than friends, and he said that they never would be, that it was sick. But, though what his Prince said mattered greatly to him, and everything was ruined anyway, it didn't stop Cooper from feeling like the world was falling on him. Even though Cooper knew that that was how his Prince would react, his whole world came crashing down on him. Because . . . though the evil King Flushels thrashed his future, it didn't stop him from dreaming, and the only thing that he dreamed about was that he would be with his Prince, forever." Cooper ended softly, he seemed more sober than he had been a minute ago.

"Cooper, what happened - I mean. . . you said something about your dad, what did your dad do?"  
"Shh, no questions Pickle. The story's over."

"Cooper - you have to tell Josh." Pickle said.

Cooper looked at him sharply. "I know. What have I got to lose, eh?"

"Cooper, he probably said it because - and I'm sure he didn't mean -"

"Even if he didn't, it wouldn't make a difference, would it?" Cooper said, walking to the door. "Don't worry Pickle, the party's over, in more than one way, and I won't be drinking anymore tonight. You don't need to help clean up. See you later. Maybe." 

Cooper walked into the room he shared with Josh, only to find that the only thing that needed cleaning up in the room were the alcohol bottles, and they were all pretty much together. He grabbed a plastic bag and dumped all of them in it.

"It's pretty clean for such a wild party." Josh said.

Cooper looked at Josh, who was leaning against the wall, watching him. "Yeah. How long was I in Pickles room?"  
"A couple hours."

"Really?"

"Yeah. What were you guys doing in there?"

"Just talking." Cooper said, throwing the bag with the rest of the garbage in the room.

"Coop, can I ask you something?" Josh asked, still leaning on the wall.

Cooper walked over to stand in front of him. "Sure Josh, anything." 

"Did you know that those rumours are still going around, and the guys think we're a couple? Fucking crazy, huh? I mean, how sick and delusional can a person get? It disgusts me, doesn't it disgust you?"  
Cooper felt an aching in his chest start, then work it's way all through his body, till it was all he felt. Fuck it, it was all over anyway. "Sick and delusional huh?" He managed to get out, putting his hand on Josh's shoulder lightly. Josh tugged away almost imperceptibly, and ignored the fact that they were touching. 

"Yeah, they think we're in love." 

Josh started walking forward, but before he realized what he was doing, Cooper had pushed him back against the wall, one hand behind Josh's neck, the other on his waist. "And what if they're half right?" Cooper asked breathlessly.

He leaned forward and kissed Josh, hard and fast. He pulled back reluctantly. "What if I love you? Because, I do, you know."

"Coop - I - I didn't - I'm not -" Josh stammered. Cooper released him and backed away.

"I love you Josh, I'll probably love you forever, remember that, please? You mean the world to me." He cast a glance back at Josh when he reached the door, Josh was pale, and stricken, any answer Cooper had been looking for he found. Cooper opened the door, left, and closed it quickly, as tears slid down his face. It was late, he didn't run into anyone in the halls, which upset him even more, because he wouldn't get to say his farewells properly. He ran out of Daleman, not daring to look back, and headed for the highway on foot. 

**


	2. 2

Cooper stumbled down the highway, not sure exactly where he was going, not caring much either. He had left everything back at his dorm, and he knew he would never go back and get it himself. He hadn't even taken the time to put on his jacket, the look Josh was giving him had been too much for him to bear. The temperature had dropped dramatically from the comfortable warmth of the afternoon, and Cooper couldn't feel anything, not that that mattered to him. He became used to the aching feeling that had infiltrated his body, was almost grateful that it overpowered anything else he was feeling, he couldn't even bring himself to think. The just lurched down the highway, an even, painful to watch stagger, seeming fast yet slow. He just made his way down the highway, and cried, that was all he could force himself, let himself, do. It became a monotonous, yet comforting routine, tears slid silently down his cheeks, but he didn't pay any attention to them. All he knew was right foot, then left foot. Right, left, right, left, right . . . left . . ..

Josh didn't know what to think. What Cooper said - was too much for him to handle to begin with but then adding to it that Cooper had kissed him? Fuck, Cooper, his best friend - his _male_ friend - had kissed him. He was still standing at the wall like a soldier on sentry, he had only moved to lean against it as though when Cooper left he went into a coma. He was standing like that when Pickle walked in. 

"Cooper?" Pickle said as he walked into the room, then he stopped and looked around. "Hey Josh - Josh? Hey, snap out of it man." Pickle said, shaking Josh.

"What?"

"What happened - Where's Cooper?"

"How am I suppose to know?" Josh snapped.

"I don't know, how about because you always know where Cooper is?"

"I see you point." Josh took a deep breath, Pickle watched him closely. "I don't know where Cooper is. You know him Pickle, he partied a little too hard, even for him, and he probably went somewhere to get even more wasted than he was, if that's possible, he'll show up in the morning with a hangover, don't worry." Somehow in his tirade, Josh even managed to convince himself that that's what happened, Cooper was too drunk to know what he was doing, it made sense. But Pickle's sceptical look wasn't helping him any.

"Are you sure Josh, I mean, Cooper was pretty sober when he left my room."

"He was?" Josh felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, among other things that he couldn't name.

"Yeah. God Josh, can't you just tell me what happened? It's really important that I talk to Cooper, did he say or do anything before he left?"  
"Well -"

"Well what Josh? Can't you just say it?" Pickle seemed very upset now, and he was getting a bad feeling about what happened.

"He uh - he just - um - I asked him if he knew about the rumours still going around, and he got a little upset, and said some things - and he - uh ... k-"

"Kissed you?" Pickle supplied helpfully.

"Yeah, and then he said something else, and he left."

"What did he say?"  
"That he uh - loved me." Josh said quietly. Pickle shook his head and looked down. "I don't know why he said it- he must have been more out of it than you thought, and -"

"Why didn't you try to stop him?" Pickle said fiercely, surprising Josh. 

"I - I don't know why."

"You don't know why?" Pickle sounded angry, which terrified Josh, since he'd only seen the mellow Pickle. "Well, fine, I'll help you out Josh. It's because you love him too. More than you know, and it scares you because you've never loved anyone before, and you didn't know what your good friend would do if he found out, and you were scared by what you felt, so you ignored it. Then when that person that you love the most, says the same thing about you, you didn't know what to do, so you did the worst thing possible - nothing!" By now Josh himself was a angry.

"You're way off Pickle! I don't love Cooper! Why the fuck won't anyone believe me! It's not my fault I don't like guys, I just don't! I don't know where you got all that Pickle, but I sure as hell know that it wasn't from me."

Pickle took some deep breaths, and he clamed down. "Fine. Please be sure to say all that to Cooper next time you see him. I'm sure he'll want to know, since you didn't say anything earlier. I'm sorry Josh, I guess the guys and I just got a little caught up in something that, _obviously,_ wasn't true. I'll clear everything up as much as I can. Cooper doesn't love you, you don't love him, I was wrong."

"Yeah, you were. Don't worry though, when Cooper comes back from wherever he went, I'll tell him, and try to fix everything. I'm pretty sure I still want to be friends and all with him."

Pickle bit his lips, nodded and went to his own room.

Now Josh was really confused. But he pushed all those feelings down and laid down on his bed. Everything would be back to normal after he talked to Cooper. He'd clear everything up, it was all a misunderstanding after all. NO way in hell did Cooper really love him. Cooper was just drunk and emotional, he'd come back not even remembering what he said - and did. It would all be ok. 

When Josh woke up in the morning and Cooper still wasn't back from wherever he went, he decided to take a shower to get some of the tension out of him. When he got out he was looking for some clean clothes when the door opened, expecting it to be Cooper he turned around. 

"Who are you?" He asked the figure who's back was to him, and was lining up boxes and cases on the floor.

"Who are you?" She asked in return.

"Uh - I'm Josh, I live here." He said.

She glanced at him over her shoulder for a moment, then went back to her work. "You're not how I pictured you." Was all she said.

"Um - would you mind telling me who you are, and why you're here?"

"You're awfully rude." She said sharply and angrily. 

"Well, with all due respect, you are a stranger, and you are doing, _something_ in my room, so I'm kinda curious as to who you are." 

"I see your point." She turned around. "I'm Cooper's cousin." She held out her hand.

Josh took it slowly, frowning, he looked at her carefully. "Yeah - you look a lot like him, except for your eyes."

She laughed. "Not many people pick up on that. Even our family still thinks that we're twins."

"Cooper never said anything about a cousin." Josh said, frowning more.

"Well, there are quite a few of us."

"Do you have a name?"

"Generally. I'm Kathy."

"So, um, Kathy, what are you doing here, do you know where Cooper is." Kathy's anger returned to her.

"I'm here to get my cousin's things," she said protectively.

Josh felt a cold sensation in him. "Why?"

"Because he asked me to." Kathy said, clipping her words. "Now, if you don't mind, Josh, I have quite a bit of work to do." She turned her back on him and started putting Cooper's clothes in a case.

Josh was, once again, unsure of what to do. He watched Kathy silently for awhile, then blushed, realizing he was still in just a towel, he threw some clothes on, then tried to study, bit he couldn't focus on the words.

"How much do you know?" He asked Kathy, who paused in the middle of re-folding some of Coopers pants.

"Everything." She said quietly, then resumed her work.

"So, I guess you hate me then."

"No, but I'm sure as hell pissed at you. When Cooper showed up at my door, and told me what happened, I wanted to kill you."

"How is he?"

"What do you care?" Kathy shot back, then sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't snap at you. He's not too good, but he'll managed, he has to, and I'll help him."

"So . . . why are you packing away all his stuff." Josh asked reluctantly, not wanting to know the answer.

Kathy was didn't answer him for a long time. When she had all Cooper's clothes packed, she sighed and sat on Cooper's bed, facing Josh.

"Because Josh, I'm packing away all his stuff for him, since Cooper's never coming back."

Josh couldn't say anything, he looked at Kathy pleadingly. Just talk, say something, anything, I'll listen to every word, I'll remember them too, just talk though, because I can't, his eyes pleaded.

"He's never coming back again." Kathy repeated slowly, Josh stared at her. "He was going to just leave all his stuff here, but I told him that he couldn't do it. When he clamed down, he argued that he couldn't come back here, and somehow talked me into getting his stuff for him. I already knew what's his and not, so I thought that it would be pretty simple, and easier on everyone if I came instead."  
Josh took a deep breath. "I've screwed everything up, haven't I" He asked softly, his voice heavy, tears in his eyes. 

Kathy got up and sat by him, taking his hands. "No - no you haven't Josh, it wasn't you. Listen, before he overheard you and Hank -"  
"He heard what I was saying to Hank?" Kathy nodded impatiently. "Then I did screw everything up."  
"No! Listen to me, before he heard you guys, he got a call from his father, I'll leave out the gory details, but basically, Cooper's aunt and uncle, my aunt and uncle, and their four kids were in a car accident, and while a two of the kids lived, two died, and so did our aunt and uncle."  
"What does this have to do with anything? And if your family just died, why aren't you sad, mourning, upset at all."  
"We weren't close, and besides, being impartial and not having emotions is more than just a survival tactic in our family."

"Oh." Josh said, still not quite grasping what Cooper's family was like.

"Anyway, now the uncle that died just happened to be the CEO at Cooper's dad's company, so, without him, my uncle needs someone else to help run the company with him."

"Cooper." Josh stated, just to say something.

"Yeah."

"Why aren't they making you being forced to do something you don't want to?"

"I can do anything I want." Kathy conceded, nodding. She smiled. "Let's just say that I know some things and well, everyone likes me."

"So - Cooper was leaving anyway." Josh said slowly.

"Yes!" Smiled, dropped his hands, and patted his leg as she got up.

"But things didn't have to be left the way they did between us." Josh whispered. Kathy whirled to face him.

"How would _you_ have left things between you guys? What would you have done different, would you have done anything at all? Please, I'm curious." She crossed her arms.

Josh looked at his hands, he was quiet searching for an answer. Finally, he just mumbled. "I don't know."

Kathy scoffed at him mercilessly. "You don't know? Do you even know that Cooper actually loves you? Do you realize that you, standing there, saying nothing after what he admitted to you, was more than he could bear? I'm surprised he didn't jump off a bridge, that was the state he was in. Did you know that?" 

"I - I don't know." Josh mumbled.

"Well what do you know?" Kathy shouted, she dropped her voice. "Do you know that he walked 20 miles straight, in the rain, from when he left here? He didn't stop once. When I opened the door to him standing there, wearing just a tee shirt, his clothes soaked anyway, his eyes read a swollen, he seemed more surprised to see me than I was to see him. I wonder, what would you have done, if he had came back here, in the state he was in, what would you have done, Josh?"

"I don't know." Was all Josh could manage, in a barely audible whisper.

"You don't know anything do you? Well, now you know a hell of a lot more than you did a couple hours ago. Does it make you happy Josh, to know all this, do you fell better now?" Josh shook his head, no, he did not feel better at all. "Now, you know how Cooper feels about you, so, Josh, how do you feel about my cousin? Don't worry, Cooper will never find out, I don't think he'll even ask about you, it would just bring him pain. So Josh, how do you feel about Cooper?"

Josh couldn't think of what to say. For once someone was actually _asking _him. He realized that before he was so busy denying whatever anyone told him he felt, to actually think about how he felt. Now, someone who would actually listen to him, and believe what he said, was asking him how he felt, and he couldn't respond how he usually does, denial and anger wouldn't work here. He thought about it, how did he fell about Cooper, did he love him, did he hate him? For the first time he thought about it, and it hurt.

"I - I don't -" he stuttered.

"You don't know?" Kathy supplied for him mockingly, nodding her head in false understanding.

No he does know. Now if he could just say it. "I - what I feel for Cooper is -" 

Kathy looking in his eyes, shot up her eyebrows and stood at her full height. "No, stop," she interrupted him angrily. "I don't want to know, if you don't say anything, I can't know for sure. It's between you and Cooper. I should finish here." She turned her back on Josh, and she the vibes she gave off bid for her to be left alone.

Josh was paralysed, _again. _Man, was he stupid. How could he have put up with the charade he had without realizing how he felt about Cooper? _Cooper. _He had ruined everything, and it was a good thing he had too. He'd have to talk to Pickle, to make sure the rumours were set right. It would just hurt Cooper if he found out how Josh felt, better for Cooper to just think what he wants.

He snapped out of wherever he went when he heard Kathy knocking on a door. 

"Hey, is there a Pickle in there?" Kathy called.

Pickled opened the door, frowning. "Yeah, do I know you, you seem familiar."

Kathy nodded, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "I'm Kathy, Cooper's cousin. He said that if I needed any help to come to you, since you're Mr. Fix It."

Pickle smiled, but seemed about to cry. "Sure, I'll help you. Um - when is Cooper coming back?"

Kathy glanced at Josh. "You'll find out later, he needs a visitor."

Pickle helped Kathy take all of the stuff that was packed down to her car. 

Kathy lifted the now stripped mattress and picked up a notebook. "Hmm, I figured my little cousin had a journal hidden somewhere."

"He didn't tell you about it?"

"No - maybe he wanted you to find it." She threw it in her own backpack.

Pickle came back in the room. "Well Pickie, this is the last trip. You go on ahead, I'm gonna make sure I have everything." Pickle nodded and waddled out of the room. 

Kathy slung her backpack over her shoulder and turned to Josh. "What is it? You've been staring at me ever since Pickle came out of his room."

"I - I want to talk to Coop, do you know where he's staying?"

"Yes, he's staying with me."

"And do you know his addresses and phone numbers in New York? Will you give those to me too?"

"No." Kathy said.

"Why not?" Josh said, frowning.

Kathy sighed. "Because Joshua, can I call you Joshua, is it your full first name, never mind, it doesn't matter. Anyway, Joshua, my dear cousin Cooper requested specifically, that I don't give out him information, in fact, he made me promise, and I never go back on a promise. So, even if I wanted to give them to you, which I don't, I'm afraid I can't help you."

"You mean he told you not to give or say anything to me that would possibly be helpful at all in getting in contact with him?"

Kathy smiled. "By god, the boy can think. Yes, that's basically what Cooper said." Josh seemed about to cry. "God, I can't believe I have to deal with so many emotional boys, it's creepy." She sighed. "He's scared, Joshua, he's just, really scared. You're upset and confused, but - he's so scared."

To Josh's surprise Kathy walked up to him and hugged him, he began to cry. Kathy continued to hug him as he cried, and when he finally stopped she pulled back. "Hey, come on Joshua, be strong." He nodded unevenly, she shook his hand, while slipping a piece of paper into his hand. "That's my pager number, if you want to talk to me, I'll be glad to talk to you. You page me, I'll call you, ok?" She whispered conspiratorially. 

"Bye Kathy, it was interesting to meet you. I wish it could have been a happier occasion." Josh managed.

"Bye Joshua. Page me. Everything will be better eventually, I promise." She looked at him, just as Cooper had, then left Josh's dorm, looking back and smiling once before closing the door. Josh laid down on his bed and cried, hugging a pillow to him tightly.

Cooper brought the fork to his eye level, looking at the 'meat' suspiciously. Shrugging carelessly he brought the fork in his mouth and started chewing. He was lounging on a bed, so he couldn't see the door when it opened.

"You know Kath, SPAM isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be." He said when he brought the fork out of his mouth.

"C-Cooper?"

Cooper jerked his head around quickly. "Pickle!"

"I thought you needed a visitor." Kathy said, as Cooper jumped off the bed and hugged Pickle tightly, then tugged him off to the side, just a little.

"Pickle, you have to get her away from me." His eyes widened fearfully. "She won't let me stay in my bathrobe." He said as though it was a form of torture. Pickle laughed and patted Cooper sympathetically. 

"Would you listen to this boy? He's been moping around ever since he got here. You'd think he just got back from a concentration camp." Cooper glared at her as Pickle laughed again. "Besides cousin, there's a funeral in a couple of days. We have to make an appearance and I don't want you to look like you haven't slept in a mouth. No one would believe you're in mourning then."

"What?" Pickle said, confused.

"I told you about how our relatives died." Pickle nodded. "Well, a certain few people always have to mourn for a dead member of the family at the funeral, no matter if he killed your mother, or was a saint. Our little Cooper here is one of them, but he would look like he was overplaying it, and that wouldn't be any good at all." Pickle nodded like he understood. 

Meanwhile Cooper had sat on the bed, all scrunched together, and had more of the 'meat' on his fork. 

Pickle cringed. "Cooper, are you really gonna eat that?"

"I was planning on it." He talked around the food in his mouth. "It's not really SPAM anyway, it's 'vintage canned meat.'"

"Where did you get it? I know I don't have any of that in my house."

"Your neighbour stopped by; she took one look at me and handed me this. I figured why go to the kitchen, if I have food right here?"

"Because I know the food in my kitchen is edible."  
"Are you sure about that?" Cooper asked innocently.

"Yes," she took the can from him and sniffed it, crinkling her nose. "Now, your friend is here, could you please stop ignoring him."  
"I wasn't ignoring anyone." Cooper looked from one to the other. "How's Josh? Did he say anything?"

Pickle and Kathy looked at each other, expressionless.

"He did say something. What was it, what did he say?"

Kathy sat by Cooper. "He said, 'I don't know.'"

"What, what do you mean he said, 'I don't know.' What doesn't he know?"  
"A lot, apparently." Pickle said.

"Yeah, he's a little off, if you ask me." Kathy said.

"Josh is a genius." Cooper said defensively.

"He may be a genius, but he doesn't know much." Pickle said.

"Never mind. I don't want to know." Cooper said, throwing his fork on the floor. The finality in his voice clung to the room.

"Are you sure?" Kathy asked. 

"Yeah. It would be better for us both if we just . . . let it go."

"Whatever you want Cooper." Kathy said.

"You're really not coming back?" Pickle asked.

Cooper smirked a little. "Nah, classes just aren't for me, they're boring, I need to move on." There was a lot he didn't say in the statement.

"Right. If that's what you want," Cooper nodded slowly. "What do you want me to tell the guys?" 

"Just tell them, tell them not to worry. They have my cell phone number, they can cal whenever they want."

"Does that go for me too?" Pickle asked.

Cooper actually smiled. "Of course, I may need a good friend." Kathy made a noise. "Your family, you don't count."

"Nice save." She muttered.

"This is really what you want? I mean, are you sure?" Pickle asked.

"No," Cooper said truthfully. He sighed. "What I want is . . . never mind what I want. What I'm going to do is work for my father, and try to forget what happened, while still remembering that I can't call Josh."

Pickle frowned. "Doesn't he have your cell number?"

Cooper smiled sadly. "He never needed it, we were always together."

"So - is this goodbye?" 

Cooper shook his head. "No, this is, talk to you later."

Suddenly Pickle smiled. "That's why you had me come, isn't it? Because you said you'd see me later?"

"I don't like having things I need to do stopping me. I like to do everything as soon as I can."

"No you don't." Pickle argued.

Cooper smiled again, hugged Pickle and whispered. "Now you know my secret."

Pickle laughed. Kathy jumped off the bed. "Alright bys, no one's going to start crying on me are they? No, good. Come on Pickie, let's get you back."

"Don't look so worried Pickle, everything will be fine."

"Good - talk to you later Cooper." Pickle watch as a tear slid down Cooper's face.

Kathy sighed. "Let's go Pickie." She touched his arm. Pickle nodded, and waved at Cooper, who raised his hand weakly in return. 

When they left, and Cooper was left alone in the dark, he slid weakly to the floor, staring at the no closed door, searching for something that he didn't have yet.

**


	3. 3

Cooper went to the funeral and played his part well, the grieving nephew. Kathy got his father to let him stay with her for a few weeks before going back to New York to work with him. During the time that he was with his cousin, he basically adopted her couch, and became aquatinted with late night TV shows, and managed to watch an entire season of MASH before realizing there was a war. After a few worried sentences to Kathy, she assured him that there was no war going on, and that MASH was set during the Korean War, which was over a long time ago. Still not convinced, Cooper switched to Matlock, a much safer show for him. 

Cooper eventually pulled himself together enough work with his dad, and not be a blubbering disappointment. After he got the hang of the job, he showed that he was far from a disappointment, and actually became a value to the company, though still not his father. Cooper spends most of his time trying not to think about Josh, and not succeeding. In an effort to occupy himself, he worked to get closer to the inside of his family members and, as a result, no longer has to act sad at funerals.

Cooper and Pickle talked every night, but neither of them mentioned Josh's name once. All the other guys and him talked sporadically, but Cooper never turned down anyone's call, and he never cut the call off short, no matter what he was doing. 

Josh drank himself into oblivion six nights in a row. He stopped for awhile, then ran into his dorm screaming that he was such an idiot. The responses that he got all agreed with him, and he vented the anger and helplessness by trying to make his liver deteriorate, fortunately he ran out of money and his friend made him go back to his room, which was now occupied by a wax-eating stranger, who had given Josh a bottle full of some black liquid when he heard about the paradox of Josh and Cooper. 

Josh paged Kathy obsessively, and she always called him. Josh even became used to her seemingly sudden mood swings. Like Cooper and Pickle, Josh and Kathy never mentioned Coopers name to each other, but they were close anyway. Kathy convinced Josh that he was being a daft sod, and persuaded him to pull himself together. He immediately did, and was once again top in his class, which was no surprise since he found solace in psychology. He had an uneasy treaty with life and happiness, but one that he tried to follow. 


End file.
